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Breaking Ties With My Identity.....
“What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
That’s been my answer for the past 10 years or so. People are generally impressed and usually respond with admiration. It sounds ambitious, hard-working. The kind of path that commands respect.
I get it— law isn’t exactly the easiest career path. But here’s the thing:I personally don’t think it’s all that impressive.
It’s a pretty cookie cutter path, really. There’s a formula. You follow the rules. Do the work. Grind through the tests. And if you’ve got the grit and gusto, you can make it happen.
I just don’t really wear my career like a badge of honor anymore. Not because I’m not proud of the work I do —but because it no longer defines me.
Finding Success In The Unseen Work
The work I’m truly proud of…is the work nobody really sees. It’s not the work that comes with a title, or paycheck, or a LinkedIn post that people like and comment on.
It’s the soul work that comes with bruises, with reckonings and resurrections. Work that I did…inside myself.
When I think about what I’m most proud of in this life, it’s not passing the bar exam. It’s not buying my first home when I was 24. It’s not being a lawyer.
It’s being the woman who made it through some of the darkest, loneliest, most unrecognizable seasons of her life —and came out the other side with her spirit intact.
That’s the work nobody applauds. Nobody gives you a title for that. There’s no blueprint for it. And no timeline either. But by far…
It’s the work I hold the most sacred. And it’s the kind of work I want to give voice to. So that more people understand… what it really means to become yourself.
It doesn’t happen by accident.
You earn it. Through the process. Through the unlearning. And the rebuilding.
And that, to me, is more notable than any job I’ll ever do.
This work propelled me into my 40s with the conviction that my best days were ahead of me — because, let me tell you, that wasn’t always the case.
Turning 40 Was Magical. Getting There Was Messy
My 40th birthday wasn’t just a milestone—it was a powerful reflection and celebration of the journey that brought me there.
A rite of passage through the “in-between,” the unglamorous, messy middle and later years of my 30s, where I was tested, stretched, and reshaped.
I’d go as far as to say it was the most difficult and significant period of growth and transformation I’ve experienced in my life to date—demanding me to shed deeply rooted identities, perspectives, and societal expectations that had shaped me for decades.
It wasn’t just about reckoning with my emotions—it was existential, shaking the very foundation of who I thought I was. And this reckoning doesn’t just nudge you to change; it demands a complete recalibration of your world.
Growth had arrived in my life like a storm — violent, unexpected and disrupting everything familiar. And it left me no choice but to evolve.
Thinking about how much I’ve changed literally brings me to tears. That former version of me feels like a complete stranger now.
The Weight Of The "Messy Middle"
Getting to 40 was not easy for me—and if you’re in your mid-30s or later, you can probably relate.
For one, it feels like you’re drowning in all the things at this stage of life: trying to juggle career, family, financial obligations, relationships, friendships, your own personal goals, your sanity.
But what made it significantly harder for me was something I wasn’t even expecting and not at all prepared to navigate.
It was the internal shift.
I found myself in a profound space of inner tension—where I’d clearly outgrown my past self but
I was not yet feeling at home in the new version of myself that was emerging. In those moments it felt like I was losing parts of me and at the same time trying so hard to hold onto something I couldn’t quite grasp.
Growth was knocking at my door, asking me to rearrange myself in a new way.
And here’s the truth: You can’t hustle your way through this kind of growth. It’s not about doing more. It’s about becoming more.
As Maya Angelou so wisely said, “You can’t really know where you are going until you know where you have been.”
When Life Falls Apart
For me, that season of my growth journey was deeply isolating.
Society doesn’t really prepare us for the depth of healing and transformation we must undertake in order to lead ourselves out of this kind of inner turmoil.
By 35, my life was falling apart and I was caught in a web of dissatisfaction with everything. Divorce. A draining legal career I no longer loved. Disconnected relationships. Unchased dreams that haunted me. I may have looked “together” and thriving on paper, but on the inside, I was barely functioning.
But no one talks about this part.
We’re conditioned to believe we should be settled by now, but instead…..we’re unraveling.
The discomfort I experienced in my late 30s—the yearning for change and the fear of what was next—was disruptive, overwhelming, and, yes, it absolutely felt like a crisis.
But here’s the truth I wish I’d known then: It wasn’t a breakdown I was having. It was actually a breakthrough.
From Breakdown To Breakthrough
When life feels like it’s pulling you apart, it’s actually calling you to realign. To let go of what you’ve outgrown and step into what’s next.
I’ve come to call this wildly overlooked transition a “rite of passage”—it’s sacred, It’s uncomfortable. It’s necessary. It’s the gateway to the start of a magical second act. But crossing this threshold requires courage and the willingness to meet yourself where you are—even when it’s messy.
We glorify the milestones—getting to 30, reaching 40—as if there’s some type of gold medal waiting for us when we arrive.
But the real story?
These milestones and achievements on their own don’t mean anything. It’s about the transformation it took to get there and honoring every experience that shaped us along the way.
Shift Happens
The noise of our responsibilities, obligations and the busyness of midlife can be so loud that we often don’t realize what’s quietly stirring inside us.
It’s so subtle that we miss it.
It whispers to us as we grow older and evolve: This isn’t the life you were meant to live.
Our priorities shift. The things we once chased with relentless determination—money, titles, recognition—start to pale in comparison to what truly nourishes our spirit.
In my 20s and early 30s, I was laser-focused on:
- Money
- Big, impressive titles
- Leadership opportunities
- Recognition
- Advancing at all costs
But as I neared 40, that shifted. Those once-clear goals began to blur. I started craving something entirely different:
- Authenticity
- Freedom
- Alignment
- Wholeness
- Joy
This shift in my identity was disorienting, feeling like a slow unraveling of the person I thought I was supposed to be. But it was really a spiritual calling—one that invited me to change – to strip away external markers of success and rediscover who I truly was.
Resisting God's Invitation
But change? Who would dare to invite me to switch up everything I’d worked by butt off to build by the middle of my 30’s?
Who else but God. He does not play about us. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew with everything in me, it was God calling to me.
It was terrifying and stirred up so much anxiety, resistance and despair. God’s calling didn’t feel like a matter of convenience, it was a matter of choice. And I had to make a decision.
Would I answer?
For a long time I didn’t.
I’m not gonna lie, I resisted for about two years – coming up with every excuse in the book – from being too busy with work, too tired — anything I could think of. I was too scared and allowed my excuses to paralyze me into disobedience.
But lucky for all of us, God is a graceful God. He kept gently poking at my heart, little by little until I finally listened and decided to obey and surrender.
What I know now is this – when you find yourself in the midst of what feels like a “midlife crisis”, God is asking if you will step into the newness He’s leading you to, or will you fold your arms, stomp your feet, and say “No”?
We can choose to plant our feet in disobedience and not move. Or we can step out in faith, trusting God with what He has in store for us.
And here’s what I’ve learned: The “crisis” we feel isn’t something to fear. It’s God’s invitation to come home to yourself and reimagine who you can become.
Learning A New Dance
As I began paying attention to the revolution within and participating in the quiet conversation God was having with me, it became more clear: I had to learn a new dance – The dance of Becoming.
The best way I could describe it is this: It’s a continuous dance —a constant interplay of shedding and carrying — where I had to learn what to let go of and what to retain and take forward with me.
It’s not a performance. It’s a practice.
It’s the most raw, uncelebrated process and aspect of our growth we’re not really prepared for and don’t talk about, yet it’s profoundly beautiful and transformative when we allow ourselves to fully engage in it.
Those hard experiences that hurt? They’re not meant to break us. So when we hold onto the pain, we miss out on the purpose and the power that our difficult lived experiences are intended for – to shape us, to help us understand ourselves and to guide us towards who we were always meant to be.
It’s been an honor to answer God’s call when I was in crisis and participate in this dance. And even now, at 43, I’m still dancing.
The Real Significance of Age 40
This chapter of my life feels rooted. I feel really grounded in knowing that midlife chaos is not a crisis, but instead it’s an invitation and powerful turning point.
It’s a chance to redefine what truly matters, step fully into our authenticity, and create a life that feels aligned, not just accomplished.
Psychologist Carl Jung captured the significance of 40 best when he said: “Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.”
And I couldn’t agree more. Our lived experiences help us connect the dots and find our way forward.
By embracing the messy parts that we go through, we are able to let go of what no longer fits, and rewrite our stories with intention.
And that’s not only something to celebrate —it’s powerfully sexy.
What are you shedding and carrying forward in your dance to Becoming the woman you’re intended to be?
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